Retrograde is an illusion.

Dear 31,

Is anyone else feeling out of sorts this month? Clumsy? Confused? In need of a nap?

Mercury is in retrograde, again. Every time I say it out loud I sing it. Bloc Party scream-sings it. You'll have to check it out. "MY MERCURY'S IN RETROGRADE" [It's an intense song. A little cacophonous, really, but fits the planet situation it's describing if you ask me.]  

MY MERCURY'S IN RETROGRADE.

A quick search of the google tells me that Mercury in Retrograde is really a thing.  By "quick search of the google," I really mean quick. Scouts honor. I didn't hop into the hamster wheel. This was a [space] mission of understanding. A mission of understanding what was happening in the universe last week that caused our sewers to back up and me to fall down the stairs at the feet of the sewer clean up guy, Dominic. That's all the crap I'm trying to sift through. Figuratively of course. But the interwebs say it's a real thing. 

Mercury rules our communication skills and thought processing, according to the internet Astrologers. Think about that winged god that delivered messages with haste and precision. So when that sweet talkin' planet slows way down and looks like it's on a back slide, it is in retrograde. Ends up planets don't move backwards (we knew that) so this is actually an illusion. It's like the universe is a twisted magician. Or something. During Mercury in Retrograde things get a little crazy: omputers go on the fritz, typically coordinated 31 year olds fall down stairs, mixed signals are received and things generally go awry. It's a thing. Look it up. 

Be a skeptic. It's ok. But riddle me this. 

• Have you felt a little bit discomboobered (shout out to Marilyn Brodie and 4th grade with that one) in the last 15 days?
• Have you spelled Mercury wrong every time you've typed it out writing a word that isn't a planet?
• Have you found yourself staring blankly at your roommate/fiancé in the middle of a question, losing your train of thought completely, and suddenly suggested that you collaboratively pen "The Wire: the musical?"*

That's what I'm saying. MY MERCURY'S IN RETROGRADE. It's a thing. 

Keep it together, interwebs. Mercury should be orbiting again in a few days. Then we can all complete our sentences and fearlessly walk down the basement steps. Soon all will be right with the world.

xo-LP

ps- Dominic, if you're reading this (for some strange reason), we have your flannel blanket coat. You left it here. We'll get it back to you. Thanks for not laughing at me when I fell down the stairs. Even though it was funny. 

*"The Wire: the musical" is now a work in progress. I've written "Omar's theme" already.